values

it seems all my body wants to do
is cry when i try to write
not from the eyes
deep inside skin
to core it’s sent
everything locks
emotions rumble
but ultimately
they’re blocked in

marriage dissolving
at the same time
falling in love
while i’m
without my child near me
at the same time
healing my ill body
physical pain that’s never ending
emotional needs unmet to feelings

everything is all mixed up
but not mixed together
i’m lying in a fog
i just want to give into stuck

i try not to rely on escaping
to lessen this sinking up feeling
but the chaos keeps taking my lead
i just want to write like i used to
when i felt like i connected deeply

for a while now it all feels
cheap and surface level scraping
the more i think about it
the more i see
my anger has much to say
my body is probably waiting for me
to admit
to sit
to face all the rage
i never let rise
down on the page

the structure is failing
it’s not weak, i’m not weak
pain became the structure
my whole life it carried
and now i can’t hold anger together
grip of pain, myself blamed
to save others
worked too well for too long

i do not like angry outbursts
usually it’s anger that hides the pain
i think i got it backwards
i hold the pain so anger stays quiet
limit met, i can’t deny it

i don’t think my body wants violence
maybe i just need trust
need permission without consequence
to exhale a life of pain
before i combust

i fear decay, ash, and dust

but i can’t hold back any longer
i think i see it
i realize i am angry

i’ve locked up the rage
i can’t let pain be the cage
i need to rampage on the page
maybe anger has a job
but it solves nothing
to claim blame for others

please don’t ask me
to feel all that flooding
i’d rather not
anger is energy not identity
but
what if i don’t come back
what if i get lost
what if i become someone
i don’t recognize – lose soft

i think i have to cross
uncertainty to reality
but then what…